You Can Go Your Own Way

It’s safe to say we’ve all had relationships that have ended badly. And when I say “relationships” I include the romantic, friendly, familial, and anything else you can think of.

I know I have, and it’s also safe to say I did not get any sort of closure when it broke up. I can say this with certainty for numerous reasons, but not least because I see familiarities to the person in a lot of people who on closer inspection don’t really bear a resemblance (or only a passing one, perhaps). And now and then my dreams are intruded upon by that person in an attempt by my subconscious to work things out and to resolve the issues. These dreams always work themselves towards some final showdown or to the point where I am on the verge of making a decision and reach the crucial moment just as I wake up. It seems that my subconscious doesn’t know how it should be resolved either.

Perhaps this is normal.

Do any broken relationships ever achieve closure? Do we ever truly move on?

In many cases, of course, there are conversations (or rows) where issues are aired and worked through, to a greater or lesser extent. Reasons are given, arguments made. Maybe the people in question stay in each other’s lives after the breakup, albeit in an altered way, in which case issues can be revisited, if necessary, with the benefit of cooled emotions and the perspective of time.

In my case, at least, this didn’t happen. One minute we were in each other’s lives and the next we weren’t. Just like that. If it had been my own decision then no doubt I wouldn’t have these unresolved issues, or at least not in the same “what the hell happened?” sort of way.

So, how do I get out of this? How do I achieve the nirvana of “moving on”? There’s no way of speaking to the person to ask them all the questions I need to ask. Some might suggest that it is all up to me. All I have to do is decide to move on and that’s that, but personally I don’t think it is that simple. If it was, the psychiatrists would all be out of a job.

Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t spend all my waking (or sleeping) hours thinking about it all. Not by any means. But when, as it does from time to time, it flits across my mind I find I’m no further forward than when we went our separate ways, other than in the sense that I’ve had my eyes opened somewhat as to the true nature of the person in question, and to realise I’m actually better off without them in my life. While that’s all fine and good, it doesn’t provide any answers as to why I was so unceremoniously dispatched with.

In my generous moments I wonder if it was actually a kindness on their part, to get me out of what was soon to become a nightmare situation. In my more sceptical (or realistic) moments I am more inclined to think it was to protect themselves in some way. Maybe I had simply served my purpose and was no longer needed. But I will of course never know. Perhaps that’s for the best. Who’s to say that the answers, if I ever got them, would be what I wanted – or needed – to know?

So what are your thoughts? Is it better to have issues thrashed out, even if it means hearing things you didn’t want to hear? Or is it better to have a definite break and to live with the doubts and questions? Are they, in fact, separate options or can the airing of issues lead to as many – or more – doubts and questions as the clean break approach? Or perhaps a clean break can be achieved without doubts and questions.

Is there, ultimately, such a thing as a clean break up?

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4 thoughts on “You Can Go Your Own Way

  1. It’s hard to lose someone you care for, and so much much harder when it’s a shock and when you never get a satisfactory explanation -if you get one at all. this has happened to me a few times and it’s a sad fact that sometimes closure doesn’t happen, and living with it is the best you can do. people are strange. you can never fully know another person, or appreciate exactly what influences their actions. doesn’t stop it hurting though, or wondering. I do think it’s selfish to basically do a runner on a friendship, though, I consider the people who skipped out on me (and my other friends) to be selfish people. because it’s something I wouldn’t do, I’d feel I owed them *something* even if for whatever reason it wasn’t possible for them to continue contact. but then I am not a fair weather friend and it would take a *lot* for me to dump a friend, as in actually sever contact on purpose, not just drift apart and lose touch.

    I guess there might be such a thing as a clean break up, but it’s not something I’ve experienced. though they have been at different points of the scale of dirty. the worst have been the ones where I have not been able to understand what happened, because I didn’t know. the ones that were not quite so bad, in the longer term anyway, were where I *did* know and took some part, maybe wasn’t in a place to understand or accept quite yet but got there in time.

    very hard to get to the place of acceptance when there is so much missing detail and the person who has the answers is not there any more.

    I *have* drawn the conclusion over the years that in the worst cases, the cliche “it’s not you, it’s me” probably applies. I don’t think I did anything, and I doubt you did either.

    • Thanks for the epic comment! 🙂

      I agree with all the points you made, and I certainly do feel that I was owed more than I got by way of explanation – mainly because I didn’t get *any*. I agree with your point that it’s the not knowing that’s the hardest part. Or feels like it. Knowing might have been worse, but there’s no way to find out.

  2. wow…I think I’ll have a better response later, but I’ll shoot for one now. Unfortunately, I’m not sure I’m much help. I can’t remember if someone left me without a cause (and I agree…is there really a clean break up?). I know anytime a relationship broke up I felt at fault. Only once can I remember where the person and I talked about what happened, but things were never the same.

    This whole post reminds me of something terrible I did. I did NOT mean for what I said to come out the way it did and I did like this person! But…I was trying to put myself in someone else’s shoes when I said what I said and it came out wrong. Really, really wrong. And bad. And I didn’t know what to say. And to this day I feel terrible! I have wanted to look her up over the years and say I’m sorry. But would that make it better or worse? And for whom? If she didn’t respond kindly I’d feel even worse. And would I forgive myself if I she said it was fine?

    I didn’t mean to make this about me. And from your comments you have no way to contact this person. I wish I had good advice for how to move on from it. The hardest thing for me is learning to forgive myself when a relationship goes bad.

    Care for you, girl! Hoping you find the answer.

    • Thanks. 🙂 I have a few leads I could follow if I wanted to get back in touch, but I really think it would be a bad idea due to circumstances from both then and since.

      Not sure there really IS an answer – but if there is, and I find it, I’ll let you know! 🙂

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